We're Not Fine
by firstdragonrider
Summary: Of course they weren't fine, they were never fine. But it wasn't their job to comfort or whine. They were meant to be the strong ones. Especially when half of the team was in the hospital. Tag to Ascension. Kensi/Callen friendship and angst.


_A/N: Tag to last nights season premier. I wanted to write a Kensi/Deeks thing, but this just happened instead. I want Callen and Kensi to have more interaction, because I think they have more things in common than they might realize. I just want them to be friends. Gaaah. This show is ruining my life haha. Enjoy!_

**We're Not Fine**

Kensi had slowly walked into headquarters, her backpack loosely slung over her shoulder as she approached her desk. She had stood in the middle of their little office space, dumping the backpack by her desk before pivoting on her heels and casting a glance at Deek's desk. She could feel her feet itching to move and escape, but her eyes stayed firmly planted on the empty chair where he usually sat. She snaked her arms around her to give herself a small hug. It was an unconscious action, and when she realized what she was doing, she dropped her arms immediately.

Deeks was okay. She kept repeating this mantra over and over again in her head, even though images of his pleading look accompanied the phrase. It had broken her heart when she told him she couldn't let him go. She had seen that rush of relief and hope when his eyes had locked with hers, and then also the cruel fear when she had denied him that escape. She closed her eyes, more to steady her thumping heart than anything else. But he was okay; they had gotten him out of there. It was just the fact that he still hadn't looked at her since he landed in the hospital. So now she was here. She was ordered back to HQ to drop off her gear and go home.

She suddenly realized that her fists had been clenched and that the tight feeling in her throat was intensifying after each second. Kensi was finally able to tear herself away, nearly hurtling through HQ until she found an abandoned hallway she was looking for toward the back. Here she sunk down against the wall, hands trembling as she pressed down on her temples, willing herself not to cry. She had no reason to cry, none what so ever. She wasn't the one that had been tortured. She wasn't the one lying in a hospital bed. _But it should have been_. She cursed quietly at the thought and at the moisture that finally welled up and spilled over her eyes.

Quiet footsteps caused her to whip her head up in time to see Callen appear from around the corner. She stood up hastily, furiously wiping away the tears with the back of her hand and angling herself away from him.

"You okay?" he asked, almost automatically, as soon as he saw her.

"I'm fine," she responded, just as automatically. There was a brief pause in which Kensi drew in a harsh breath and straightened her back, still not looking at him. "I was just…" she tried to think of an excuse as to why she would be back here but he cut her off before she had the chance.

"I know, I just thought…" he didn't finish his sentence either and Kensi squeezed her eyes together tightly, wishing the knot in her chest could just go away. He took a few hesitant steps away from her before changing his mind. He turned to face her and thought of a thousand different things to say that wouldn't help at all. "Kens, we're not fine." He decided it was the right sentence to initiate the conversation. She heard the words closer to her and guessed he must have stepped further into the hallway. The way he had phrased it made her angry. Of course they weren't fine, they were never fine. But it wasn't their job to comfort or whine. They were meant to be the strong ones. Especially when half the team was in the hospital.

"I'm fine," she said again, harsher this time. She turned to face him to show him that her angry scowl was serious but froze when she saw that his head was downcast and his blue eyes were also bloodshot and tired.

"I wish I could have done more for them, you know?" Kensi didn't miss the familiar blame in his voice.

"This wasn't you fault," she breathed, feeling herself take on the burden of responsibility herself. This made his head snap up and she looked away quickly, feeling self-conscious about the trail of tears that were still new on her face.

"Don't you dare blame this on yourself, you did everything you could to save Deeks and he is alive because of it. Both him and Sam are." She almost laughed at his words, recognizing that it was exactly what she would have told him as well. But instead of a laugh it came out as an awkward sob and she had to turn away from him again to make sure that he didn't see the fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I was just scared," she admitted half-heartedly, amazed at herself for telling her team leader out of all people. She wasn't supposed to show him weakness. "After Dom, I was…" she didn't continue, but let that small statement hang in the air. And Callen saw how frightened she actually was and felt selfish. He saw how her entire body trembled as it tried to contain her fear and sadness from him and he couldn't help but reach out toward her. He carefully placed a hand on her shoulder and turned her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

She stiffened at first, feeling the unfamiliar warmth envelop her. She was not one to be comforted. And he was not one to offer comfort. But she gradually buried her face in his shoulder when he rested his head gently against hers in such a careful and friendly gesture that she nearly melted into his arms. It was only after he could clearly hear her sobs that she clutched onto him in return, and he continued to hug her until she had calmed down.

"I probably ruined your shirt." He chuckled at the muffled sentence originating from his shoulder and shifted his arms slightly so that she could turn her head and rest her cheek against his collarbone.

"They're okay, that's all that matters," he reminded her quietly after a moment of brief silence. She nodded against him and pulled away, trying to clean up her face again with the back of her hand.

"Thank you," she mumbled, looking at him and hoping that he knew it was sincere. He smiled back at her sadly and only nodded in response, feeling her grab his hand and squeeze tightly before she brushed past him through the hallway. He was left standing there, running his hands over his tired face and leaning against the wall, allowing himself a few minutes of peace before he threw himself back into all of it. He had a team to mend, and this time he wasn't going to let any of them slip away from him.


End file.
